The Recovering Sports Dad

I stood there in disbelief. My team just got scored on for the 7th time that game. Where was the hustle? The competitive spirit? Why had they given up?! A group of downcast 11 year-olds got an earful from me.

Except I was a grown up, at least on paper. A 43 year-old man screaming at a bunch of cold kids for not being more like adults. The parents were quiet. For once, there was nothing for them to yell about that I hadn’t already covered with aplomb.

Arguably my best player quit a few weeks later. My fault.

The pain of truth

What was wrong with me? That is not a comfortable question to ask the mirror. I had always loved working with kids and the game of soccer was my teenage addiction. And here I was belittling them in front of their families and peers. What kind of man does that?

The kind that hadn’t yet learned that most ego-destroying lesson: it’s not about me.

That hurt.

Two sides of me had been at war for as long as I can remember — the one who loves people and wants to help, and the one who loves attention and to be adored. The icky side won that day.

Kids deserve better

Why do grown ups volunteer to coach their kids’ sports teams? I never considered what my answer to that question was before that game. Somewhere in the hazy part of my mind it was about the children, but my prefrontal cortex made clear that it was to create little, more successful versions of myself.

I needed a better reason, STAT.

As luck would have it, there were 15 better reasons right in front of me. Bright eyed, willing to forgive, dutifully showing up to practice. These boys looked to me twice a week to teach them. Their parents trusted me to be an example of leadership. My youngest son hoped he could be like me some day.

There isn’t much greater motivation to change than a chance to be a hero in a kid’s eyes.

Because it’s fun

Kids play sports because they think it’s fun. They quit when it stops being fun. 70% of kids quit playing sports by age 13 according to the National Alliance for Youth Sports. Our job is pretty simple, right? STOP SUCKING THE FUN OUT OF YOUTH SPORTS.

The late basketball icon, Kobe Bryant, advised parents to “establish the element of fun and imagination” for their kids. They need to be free to create and fail and not fear a tongue lashing from an adult has-been.

What makes sports fun for kids? A study by Amanda Visek of George Washington University asked hundreds of kids this question, and their answers are called “determinants of fun”. She ranked all 81 determinants of fun reported by the kids.

Guess where “winning” came in? #48.

Guess where “winning” came in for me that day? #1.

WinFirst

There it is. All my issues summed up in one single, mushed together word. I was a WinFirst coach. Why did I shout angrily at a bunch of prepubescents? Because I needed to be a winner. I needed them to be winners so I could be, too. Again, gross.

I suspect I am not alone among youth sports coaches. Why do we act this way?

Because as we age we forget the magic and limitlessness of childhood. We replace it with stodgy grownup values like “sacrifice, hard work, discipline, and resilience”. These are lessons our kids will learn, sometimes through sports and mostly just by participating in the human experience. What they don’t need is for youth sports to be like an 1800’s boarding school. There will be time enough for adulting when they leave home. They need more Dumbledore, less Umbridge.

KidFirst

And I needed a new mushed together word. How about “KidFirst?”

KidFirst wraps it all up neatly in a bow. How on earth could I argue against putting the needs — not just the athletic ones, but emotional and mental as well — of the kids first? Who is going to claim that being WinFirst is really how to craft happy and confident children?

As soon as I reformed the picture of myself as a coach from Bobby Knight to Obi-wan Kenobi, things started to change. I smiled more and shouted less. I found things to compliment about every single kid. I believed in them as who they were, not who I wished they would be.

I sat a lot more during games instead of prowling the sidelines like a caged lion. I trusted the captains to lead their peers. And I learned to love coaching again.

I learned to be KidFirst. And that has made all the difference.